(this was originally posted to Facebook notes last night)
Ah joy. I woke up at 4:15 to go to the bathroom and my brain chooses that moment to start running on about my body issues.
I'm not writing this to ask for help or advice (though anyone who reads this will probably offer just that), or to gain any pity from anyone, I'm writing this to get it out of my head so I can go back to sleep.
The last time I weighed myself, I was almost 300lbs. I'm sure by now that I'm at least that if not more. I am not proud of this. But I've come to the realization that it's not that I can't change, it's that I won't change.
We all have the power within ourselves to eat healthier, to get up and do some sort of exercise, but for some reason I've decided (subconsciously of course) that I deserve to be overweight, and unhappy with it. (because of course who would WANT to look like this???) Basically I'm punishing myself for some unknown wrongdoing.
For anyone reading this who does not know, I have a history of depression, of cutting myself, and I have been through therapy numerous times because of this. So the fact that I have found yet another way to beat myself up, well it's really not surprising to me at all.
Ever since I was a little girl I have felt that I was not good enough. From feeling that my brothers didn't want me in their lives (because I was the little sister and what little boy wants his baby sister trailing along after him?) to feeling outcasted in school and going to my senior prom alone (and then wishing I had never gone. That was probably my most miserable memory from high school).
My life has gone from feeling like I was never accepted to knowing that I have this huge circle of friends, some of which I know for a fact would do anything and everything to help me when I need it. Not to mention my husband who, despite my protestations, tells me often how beautiful I am, and a daughter who loves me unconditionally (both of which I never thought I'd ever have) So why do I feel the need to punish myself in probably the most easily hidden yet blatantly obvious way???
Well that I have no answer for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy but without insurance that's just not possible.
Food has always been a comfort for me. From the meals my mother cooked with love (Mom, I swear I'm not blaming you!!), to the bag of potato chips that never judged me. When I hit a low point, food is there to help me forget. When I hit a high point, food is there to help me celebrate.
Well my mother has always told me that every meal is a choice. Instead of the french fries, get a salad. Instead of eating chips or ice cream while watching a movie, go for some carrot sticks. Sounds easy right? But why is it so hard to make the "right" choice when its time for it. How do I reprogram my brain to say, I don't want this, I want that instead and make "that" something healthy. Again, another question for a therapist, but then what good is an answer if I refuse (whether consciously or unconsciously) to follow it.
I firmly believe that this particular issue is starting to lead to other issues with my body. For one, after standing most of the day at a friends bridal shower I began to have a pain in the heal of my foot. This pain causes me to limp when I walk after sitting for anything over 5 minutes, and it's even worse after I've been sleeping. It has been going on now for over 3 weeks. So go to a doctor, some might say. Well again, no insurance, and being a stay at home mother does not provide the paycheck to afford the low-cost clinic where I had my checkups when I was pregnant, (which when you look at all the bills that get racked up, its really not a low cost at all).
So now I'm not only dealing with moving into the category of morbidly obese (yes I have been there for a while, but now it actually feels like it), but now I have a hard time walking, and its just a matter of time before something else starts to hurt.
If you actually read this far, I applaud you. And if I see you in person, I promise I won't make you sit through any diatribes about my weight. It's not something I talk about openly, which is probably a whole other issue.
OK I think my brain is sufficiently empty and I can go back to bed.
I'm not writing this to ask for help or advice (though anyone who reads this will probably offer just that), or to gain any pity from anyone, I'm writing this to get it out of my head so I can go back to sleep.
The last time I weighed myself, I was almost 300lbs. I'm sure by now that I'm at least that if not more. I am not proud of this. But I've come to the realization that it's not that I can't change, it's that I won't change.
We all have the power within ourselves to eat healthier, to get up and do some sort of exercise, but for some reason I've decided (subconsciously of course) that I deserve to be overweight, and unhappy with it. (because of course who would WANT to look like this???) Basically I'm punishing myself for some unknown wrongdoing.
For anyone reading this who does not know, I have a history of depression, of cutting myself, and I have been through therapy numerous times because of this. So the fact that I have found yet another way to beat myself up, well it's really not surprising to me at all.
Ever since I was a little girl I have felt that I was not good enough. From feeling that my brothers didn't want me in their lives (because I was the little sister and what little boy wants his baby sister trailing along after him?) to feeling outcasted in school and going to my senior prom alone (and then wishing I had never gone. That was probably my most miserable memory from high school).
My life has gone from feeling like I was never accepted to knowing that I have this huge circle of friends, some of which I know for a fact would do anything and everything to help me when I need it. Not to mention my husband who, despite my protestations, tells me often how beautiful I am, and a daughter who loves me unconditionally (both of which I never thought I'd ever have) So why do I feel the need to punish myself in probably the most easily hidden yet blatantly obvious way???
Well that I have no answer for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy but without insurance that's just not possible.
Food has always been a comfort for me. From the meals my mother cooked with love (Mom, I swear I'm not blaming you!!), to the bag of potato chips that never judged me. When I hit a low point, food is there to help me forget. When I hit a high point, food is there to help me celebrate.
Well my mother has always told me that every meal is a choice. Instead of the french fries, get a salad. Instead of eating chips or ice cream while watching a movie, go for some carrot sticks. Sounds easy right? But why is it so hard to make the "right" choice when its time for it. How do I reprogram my brain to say, I don't want this, I want that instead and make "that" something healthy. Again, another question for a therapist, but then what good is an answer if I refuse (whether consciously or unconsciously) to follow it.
I firmly believe that this particular issue is starting to lead to other issues with my body. For one, after standing most of the day at a friends bridal shower I began to have a pain in the heal of my foot. This pain causes me to limp when I walk after sitting for anything over 5 minutes, and it's even worse after I've been sleeping. It has been going on now for over 3 weeks. So go to a doctor, some might say. Well again, no insurance, and being a stay at home mother does not provide the paycheck to afford the low-cost clinic where I had my checkups when I was pregnant, (which when you look at all the bills that get racked up, its really not a low cost at all).
So now I'm not only dealing with moving into the category of morbidly obese (yes I have been there for a while, but now it actually feels like it), but now I have a hard time walking, and its just a matter of time before something else starts to hurt.
If you actually read this far, I applaud you. And if I see you in person, I promise I won't make you sit through any diatribes about my weight. It's not something I talk about openly, which is probably a whole other issue.
OK I think my brain is sufficiently empty and I can go back to bed.
This sounds a lot like the issues they work through on The Biggest Loser. I have nothing productive to add, however. I hope venting it out helped you sleep. /love
ReplyDeleteThat's OK, and as soon as I shut down my laptop, I went back to bed and passed out. So it did help a lot. :)
ReplyDeleteI know that you have been through a lot as I have. I, too, am at my all time highest weight. I am insulin dependent at this point with my diabetes. I am having the lap band surgery done in a few months....but I would try and talk to some of the doctors. I don't remember how things are in NJ, but here in TN you can get some pretty good advice from the health department. If you need someone to talk to about this, please email me on facebook. I am going through the same thing. The pain in your foot could be neuropathy (look that up online and you'd be surprised!). Im here if you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteas someone who has erecently been diagnosed with diabetes i can only say that change should come sooner rather than later. i'm not judging or lecturing. only giving a little advice. you have a family to think about and titanya neeeds you. consider walking with her. i walk 20 minutes away and then turn around and walk the 20 minutes back. most people walk a 20 minute mile. 40 minutes sounds too much? try 10 minutes and ten minutes. you'd be suprised how quickly you'll start to see results
ReplyDelete~peter~