The Start of a Whole New Me

So I'm back from SC and have begun my plan to "rebuild a better me".

I've joined www.myfitnesspal.com so I can keep track of my calories and exercise, and I walk with Missy and TC to and from Emma's bus stop twice a day.

with Missy's help I'm measuring out my portions and watching everything that I eat. So far I'm doing well but its just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it.

I'm also writing in my private journal so I'm not only clearing out all the shit from my body but also from my mind.

Let the Healing Begin

Tonight starts a new phase of my life.

From now on I am going to start eating better and lose some weight. Quite frankly I'm sick of what I see in the mirror and it is time to change it.

I would like to be around to watch my daughter grow up, get married, and maybe have babies of her own.

I will now look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman who is looking back!

I love you Dan and Titania, and I know you will always be there to support me on this new voyage of life.

To all my friends (honestly it would take way too much space to list you all), I love you all and know you all will have my back and help me if I stumble.

A Letter Of Forgiveness

This letter is being written because I feel it is truly the only way to rid my soul of these emotions that keep me from living the life I truly want to live.

Yes I am happy, I love my husband and daughter more then anything and I have some absolutely amazing friends.

The people this letter is directed to will probably never read this because they are either A)too self centered to care or B) not ever going to see this because they don't know its out there. (chances are B is the more popular answer, I just don't care if A applies anymore)

So here goes.

Dear Classmates who contributed in making my life lonely and depressing during my time at JK and SHS,

I forgive you.

I forgive all the name calling, and put downs, I forgive you for all the mean things that were said behind my back. None of you ever really got to know me while we were in school and I believe that this was mainly because you all would rathered have followed the crowd in disliking me, then separate yourselves and risk being ostracized yourselves. High school is a difficult time in everyones lives and all anyone wants is to fit in, and so you could fit in you shoved me out. I thought for so many years that I had done something wrong. Well it turns out that I didn't do a thing, except become an easy target. At first you saw how you could hurt me and found some silly childish amusement in it, then after a few years it became easier to continue it then to actually talk to me and get to know me, and maybe even possibly like me.

I don't need any of you to accept me any longer. For a long time I thought I did. There are plenty of people in my life who accept me for exactly the person I am and would never ask me to change even though for them, any change would be worth it. It would never have been worth it to change for you. If I had changed how I dressed, spoke, acted etc, it wouldn't have mattered to any of you.

So here I sit, 10 years after our high school graduation and I think back to that day when we all said goodbye to SHS, yes I did cry when we graduated, but not for the same reasons you all did. I cried because I was so happy to be getting away from you but in truth I never got away from you, because I have been carrying all your hurtful words and actions around with me.

I carried it with me when I went to college and had a hard time making friends, because I had become so afraid to trust anyone new for fear that I would be hurt again, and because of that fear I was hurt again.

I carried it with me when I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I had become so depressed that I wanted to cut and kill myself, still thinking there was something wrong with me, and that the world would have been better off without me.

I carry it with me every time I sit on the couch instead of moving around to exercise because I feel as worthless as you told me I was and felt that my body should reflect that worthlessness.

I am not carrying it anymore. I have lugged you people around with me long enough. I'm tired and quite frankly you are not worth my energy anymore.

So instead of sitting around and thinking maybe someday I can just erase you all from my memory I'm going to take everything you ever told me and prove you wrong.

I was worthy of your friendship all those years ago, and today I can stand up and say that I honestly don't want it anymore.

I see exactly what my worth is every time my husband tells me he loves me and every time my daughter smiles up at me. I am worth so much more then you ever could possibly imagine because I never needed your friendship or acceptance.

10+ years ago when we were in school we were kids, and kids rarely understand what they are saying or doing. So I don't blame you anymore for making my life miserable. I blame myself for letting you make my life miserable.

I forgive you and I forgive myself.

Sincerely,

Anna B. Cmil