Hi It's Me. Who am I?

So I decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to start taking some time for myself, one night a week I was just going to go out, see a movie or something, by myself, or if I didn't feel like being alone, I'd ask Dan or Missy to join me. Well I finally put those words into actions (I mean they do speak louder anyway.)

Tonight after dinner with Dan, Missy and the girls I headed out to go see a movie, Dear John to be exact. I love Nicholas Sparks, (it's based off of one of his books,) and decided that this was definitely a movie I wanted to see. I've never actually gone to see a movie by myself. I mean I've seen movies alone, but always went with someone to the theater. This was a nice change of pace. I got the soda I wanted, the popcorn was all mine and I made sure to bring a handful of napkins because I figured this movie would be somewhat of a tear-jerker. I was right. Although for those of you who have seen the movie I didn't cry at all the parts I expected to. I cried more over the young boy who has autism more then the romance between John and Savannah. Anyway. I really enjoyed the movie and loved my "night off" (as I'm now calling it).

But as I leisurely drove home, (for anyone who knows me you know I never drive leisurely, but it was my night off so I figured, whats the rush??) I began to think about my life and who I am, and unfortunately all I could come up with at this point is I am a wife to an amazing husband, the mother to a beautiful daughter, the aunt/nanny to an awesome niece and friend to so many great people. But do those titles really tell someone who I am? Why can't I define myself without having it relate to someone else??

Dan and I had discussed that eventually I would have to go back to work one day. I would like that day to be after Titania is starting in school. Why wait 4 years to go back to work?? Well part of it is that I want to be with my daughter as she grows up, I'm not opposed to daycare centers, I think they are awesome places but just the fact that I would pretty much be working to pay someone else to take care of my kid, shit, I can do it myself.

The other part is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

If you asked me to express to you where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, everything is a huge blur. Of course I see myself still married to the same amazing man, I can see Titania as a little girl exploring the world, needing less and less help from me. But I can't see me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I am.

I keep thinking that I should go back to school. Test the waters of what peeks my interest. But we really can't afford that. The time for that was 10 years ago when I graduated from high school and actually went to college.

I'm 28 years old right now and haven't got a clue.

People keep telling me I should do what I love. Unfortunately to those people, there isn't much by the way of jobs for someone who prefers to sit on the couch, playing Facebook games and watching TV. Although I enjoy looking after Titania and Emma, and will happily continue to do just that until I pretty much can't anymore, I never saw daycare as my dream job either.

There's really nothing that I love, that I'd love to do for a living.

Another problem that I have is that I don't want to just find a job. I want to have a career. For the 8 years before Titania blessed our lives with her presence, all I did was work temp jobs. The only permanent jobs I had were for supermarkets and although I seem to have a knack for scanning and bagging, I knew that just wasn't my future. I went to school for tech support, but the stress and my lack of ability to deal with it not only landed me in the hospital trying to literally bleed the stress from my body, but it also landed me with yet another job I just couldn't do for the rest of my life. My longest temp job was as a receptionist for SuperSeal. A window and door manufacturer in South Plainfield. I loved that job. I loved the people I worked for and with. And I had hoped that one day I could have been a permanent employee there and maybe even move up in the company. Unfortunately as the economy took a turn for the worse, people weren't building new houses as much, and my job was the most...let's say expendable. Looking to the future though I don't see myself being completely satisfied with a receptionist job, or even a secretarial job, (though my typing skills are incredible).

So, who am I? I am Anna Cmil, wife, mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, friend.

I guess that will have to do for now.

Okay my brain is empty. I'm going to bed.