It's the Little Things

I went to bed at 11:30pm. Titania woke up 20 minutes later and I got to indulge in one of my favorite things, giving her a bottle while lying in my bed.

I love when she reaches out to touch me with her icy cold fingers (cold because of the cold milk in her bottle), and how she tries to watch TV while still drinking but she just cant seem to position the bottle to drink and watch at the same time.

Tonight I let her stay in bed with me a little bit longer the usual, I just didn’t want to put her back in her crib yet, she almost fell asleep in my arms. It's been a while since she’s done that. It only lasted a few minutes before she realized she was up past her bedtime, it must be playtime.

I let her sit up, played with her as she reached for the remote so she could push the buttons, and the smile she had on her face while pushing those buttons was just great.

Watching her do the simplest things brings such a joy to her face. I just love watching her discover the world. It really makes you stop and notice the little things. Like discovering for the first time that 2 brightly colored blocks make such an interesting sound when you bang them together.

As we grow and mature we tend to forget the amazement in such little things. I think we should all stop, take a step back and really look at the world around us. We may surprise ourselves.

It's not a matter of "I Can't" It's a matter of "I Won't"

(this was originally posted to Facebook notes last night)

Ah joy. I woke up at 4:15 to go to the bathroom and my brain chooses that moment to start running on about my body issues.

I'm not writing this to ask for help or advice (though anyone who reads this will probably offer just that), or to gain any pity from anyone, I'm writing this to get it out of my head so I can go back to sleep.

The last time I weighed myself, I was almost 300lbs. I'm sure by now that I'm at least that if not more. I am not proud of this. But I've come to the realization that it's not that I can't change, it's that I won't change.

We all have the power within ourselves to eat healthier, to get up and do some sort of exercise, but for some reason I've decided (subconsciously of course) that I deserve to be overweight, and unhappy with it. (because of course who would WANT to look like this???) Basically I'm punishing myself for some unknown wrongdoing.

For anyone reading this who does not know, I have a history of depression, of cutting myself, and I have been through therapy numerous times because of this. So the fact that I have found yet another way to beat myself up, well it's really not surprising to me at all.

Ever since I was a little girl I have felt that I was not good enough. From feeling that my brothers didn't want me in their lives (because I was the little sister and what little boy wants his baby sister trailing along after him?) to feeling outcasted in school and going to my senior prom alone (and then wishing I had never gone. That was probably my most miserable memory from high school).

My life has gone from feeling like I was never accepted to knowing that I have this huge circle of friends, some of which I know for a fact would do anything and everything to help me when I need it. Not to mention my husband who, despite my protestations, tells me often how beautiful I am, and a daughter who loves me unconditionally (both of which I never thought I'd ever have) So why do I feel the need to punish myself in probably the most easily hidden yet blatantly obvious way???

Well that I have no answer for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy but without insurance that's just not possible.

Food has always been a comfort for me. From the meals my mother cooked with love (Mom, I swear I'm not blaming you!!), to the bag of potato chips that never judged me. When I hit a low point, food is there to help me forget. When I hit a high point, food is there to help me celebrate.

Well my mother has always told me that every meal is a choice. Instead of the french fries, get a salad. Instead of eating chips or ice cream while watching a movie, go for some carrot sticks. Sounds easy right? But why is it so hard to make the "right" choice when its time for it. How do I reprogram my brain to say, I don't want this, I want that instead and make "that" something healthy. Again, another question for a therapist, but then what good is an answer if I refuse (whether consciously or unconsciously) to follow it.

I firmly believe that this particular issue is starting to lead to other issues with my body. For one, after standing most of the day at a friends bridal shower I began to have a pain in the heal of my foot. This pain causes me to limp when I walk after sitting for anything over 5 minutes, and it's even worse after I've been sleeping. It has been going on now for over 3 weeks. So go to a doctor, some might say. Well again, no insurance, and being a stay at home mother does not provide the paycheck to afford the low-cost clinic where I had my checkups when I was pregnant, (which when you look at all the bills that get racked up, its really not a low cost at all).

So now I'm not only dealing with moving into the category of morbidly obese (yes I have been there for a while, but now it actually feels like it), but now I have a hard time walking, and its just a matter of time before something else starts to hurt.

If you actually read this far, I applaud you. And if I see you in person, I promise I won't make you sit through any diatribes about my weight. It's not something I talk about openly, which is probably a whole other issue.

OK I think my brain is sufficiently empty and I can go back to bed.

Out of the Gate and Out of My Mind

OK so I figured I'd start this blog. Obviously. It's called Mother Doesn't Always Know Best but it's not always going to be about motherhood and raising my daughter, and taking care of my niece.

This whole idea to start a blog started last night (or early this morning however you want to look at it) when I was trying to fall asleep and my brain would not stop rolling. I wrote a Facebook note that seemed to me more like a blog then anything else. So here I am, I'm nothing special (though my family and friends may disagree), just a stay at home mom who is trying to maintain her sanity while taking care of a 1 year old and a 4 year old.

A little bit about myself; I'm 28 years old, happily married and unemployed in the respect that I don't get paid for the 12-13 hours of work I put in a day. As with anything else some days its harder to get out of bed then others. But I do it and at the end of the day my daughters smile and my niece's hugs make it all worth it.

Feedback is welcome, but please keep any and all insults to yourself. If at anytime you don't like what your reading, please feel free to stop reading. I'd rather have no one read this then hear about how insulting I'm being. Though I will try and be as PC and fair as I can.

Well my brains empty so that's the end.