Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Start of a Whole New Me
So I'm back from SC and have begun my plan to "rebuild a better me".
I've joined www.myfitnesspal.com so I can keep track of my calories and exercise, and I walk with Missy and TC to and from Emma's bus stop twice a day.
with Missy's help I'm measuring out my portions and watching everything that I eat. So far I'm doing well but its just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it.
I'm also writing in my private journal so I'm not only clearing out all the shit from my body but also from my mind.
I've joined www.myfitnesspal.com so I can keep track of my calories and exercise, and I walk with Missy and TC to and from Emma's bus stop twice a day.
with Missy's help I'm measuring out my portions and watching everything that I eat. So far I'm doing well but its just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it.
I'm also writing in my private journal so I'm not only clearing out all the shit from my body but also from my mind.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Let the Healing Begin
Tonight starts a new phase of my life.
From now on I am going to start eating better and lose some weight. Quite frankly I'm sick of what I see in the mirror and it is time to change it.
I would like to be around to watch my daughter grow up, get married, and maybe have babies of her own.
I will now look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman who is looking back!
I love you Dan and Titania, and I know you will always be there to support me on this new voyage of life.
To all my friends (honestly it would take way too much space to list you all), I love you all and know you all will have my back and help me if I stumble.
From now on I am going to start eating better and lose some weight. Quite frankly I'm sick of what I see in the mirror and it is time to change it.
I would like to be around to watch my daughter grow up, get married, and maybe have babies of her own.
I will now look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman who is looking back!
I love you Dan and Titania, and I know you will always be there to support me on this new voyage of life.
To all my friends (honestly it would take way too much space to list you all), I love you all and know you all will have my back and help me if I stumble.
A Letter Of Forgiveness
This letter is being written because I feel it is truly the only way to rid my soul of these emotions that keep me from living the life I truly want to live.
Yes I am happy, I love my husband and daughter more then anything and I have some absolutely amazing friends.
The people this letter is directed to will probably never read this because they are either A)too self centered to care or B) not ever going to see this because they don't know its out there. (chances are B is the more popular answer, I just don't care if A applies anymore)
So here goes.
Dear Classmates who contributed in making my life lonely and depressing during my time at JK and SHS,
I forgive you.
I forgive all the name calling, and put downs, I forgive you for all the mean things that were said behind my back. None of you ever really got to know me while we were in school and I believe that this was mainly because you all would rathered have followed the crowd in disliking me, then separate yourselves and risk being ostracized yourselves. High school is a difficult time in everyones lives and all anyone wants is to fit in, and so you could fit in you shoved me out. I thought for so many years that I had done something wrong. Well it turns out that I didn't do a thing, except become an easy target. At first you saw how you could hurt me and found some silly childish amusement in it, then after a few years it became easier to continue it then to actually talk to me and get to know me, and maybe even possibly like me.
I don't need any of you to accept me any longer. For a long time I thought I did. There are plenty of people in my life who accept me for exactly the person I am and would never ask me to change even though for them, any change would be worth it. It would never have been worth it to change for you. If I had changed how I dressed, spoke, acted etc, it wouldn't have mattered to any of you.
So here I sit, 10 years after our high school graduation and I think back to that day when we all said goodbye to SHS, yes I did cry when we graduated, but not for the same reasons you all did. I cried because I was so happy to be getting away from you but in truth I never got away from you, because I have been carrying all your hurtful words and actions around with me.
I carried it with me when I went to college and had a hard time making friends, because I had become so afraid to trust anyone new for fear that I would be hurt again, and because of that fear I was hurt again.
I carried it with me when I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I had become so depressed that I wanted to cut and kill myself, still thinking there was something wrong with me, and that the world would have been better off without me.
I carry it with me every time I sit on the couch instead of moving around to exercise because I feel as worthless as you told me I was and felt that my body should reflect that worthlessness.
I am not carrying it anymore. I have lugged you people around with me long enough. I'm tired and quite frankly you are not worth my energy anymore.
So instead of sitting around and thinking maybe someday I can just erase you all from my memory I'm going to take everything you ever told me and prove you wrong.
I was worthy of your friendship all those years ago, and today I can stand up and say that I honestly don't want it anymore.
I see exactly what my worth is every time my husband tells me he loves me and every time my daughter smiles up at me. I am worth so much more then you ever could possibly imagine because I never needed your friendship or acceptance.
10+ years ago when we were in school we were kids, and kids rarely understand what they are saying or doing. So I don't blame you anymore for making my life miserable. I blame myself for letting you make my life miserable.
I forgive you and I forgive myself.
Sincerely,
Anna B. Cmil
Yes I am happy, I love my husband and daughter more then anything and I have some absolutely amazing friends.
The people this letter is directed to will probably never read this because they are either A)too self centered to care or B) not ever going to see this because they don't know its out there. (chances are B is the more popular answer, I just don't care if A applies anymore)
So here goes.
Dear Classmates who contributed in making my life lonely and depressing during my time at JK and SHS,
I forgive you.
I forgive all the name calling, and put downs, I forgive you for all the mean things that were said behind my back. None of you ever really got to know me while we were in school and I believe that this was mainly because you all would rathered have followed the crowd in disliking me, then separate yourselves and risk being ostracized yourselves. High school is a difficult time in everyones lives and all anyone wants is to fit in, and so you could fit in you shoved me out. I thought for so many years that I had done something wrong. Well it turns out that I didn't do a thing, except become an easy target. At first you saw how you could hurt me and found some silly childish amusement in it, then after a few years it became easier to continue it then to actually talk to me and get to know me, and maybe even possibly like me.
I don't need any of you to accept me any longer. For a long time I thought I did. There are plenty of people in my life who accept me for exactly the person I am and would never ask me to change even though for them, any change would be worth it. It would never have been worth it to change for you. If I had changed how I dressed, spoke, acted etc, it wouldn't have mattered to any of you.
So here I sit, 10 years after our high school graduation and I think back to that day when we all said goodbye to SHS, yes I did cry when we graduated, but not for the same reasons you all did. I cried because I was so happy to be getting away from you but in truth I never got away from you, because I have been carrying all your hurtful words and actions around with me.
I carried it with me when I went to college and had a hard time making friends, because I had become so afraid to trust anyone new for fear that I would be hurt again, and because of that fear I was hurt again.
I carried it with me when I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I had become so depressed that I wanted to cut and kill myself, still thinking there was something wrong with me, and that the world would have been better off without me.
I carry it with me every time I sit on the couch instead of moving around to exercise because I feel as worthless as you told me I was and felt that my body should reflect that worthlessness.
I am not carrying it anymore. I have lugged you people around with me long enough. I'm tired and quite frankly you are not worth my energy anymore.
So instead of sitting around and thinking maybe someday I can just erase you all from my memory I'm going to take everything you ever told me and prove you wrong.
I was worthy of your friendship all those years ago, and today I can stand up and say that I honestly don't want it anymore.
I see exactly what my worth is every time my husband tells me he loves me and every time my daughter smiles up at me. I am worth so much more then you ever could possibly imagine because I never needed your friendship or acceptance.
10+ years ago when we were in school we were kids, and kids rarely understand what they are saying or doing. So I don't blame you anymore for making my life miserable. I blame myself for letting you make my life miserable.
I forgive you and I forgive myself.
Sincerely,
Anna B. Cmil
Friday, July 23, 2010
Uninsured and injured...ain't like grand?
Fourth of July weekend I sprained my ankle coming out my front door. Now I've sprained my ankles numerous times in the past and can usually get right back up and walk it off. Not this time. This time I went down like a ton of bricks.
Dan called for an ambulance fearing I broke something. And off to the hospital I went. After getting x-rays and laying on a gurny for a couple hours I was released with an ace bandage and pair of crutches.
Fast forward a couple weeks and I still have considerable pain. Bonnie loaned me a decent brace but after a while I realized it was neither helping nor hindering me while I was home. I wear it when I go out but thats pretty much it.
Here's the thing. I am not a medical professional in any way, but I know that I did some pretty decent damage to my ankle, tore at least part of a ligiment on the inside of my ankle.
So why not follow up like the doctors advised me? Well despite the health care reform I still have no insurance and no money for either insurance or more simply put no money to have an MRI done to see what the next course of action would be.
Thankfully I was able to get charity care so we Woot be drowning in debt over my ER visit. But oddly enough this des not help my ankle feel better.
Oh well.
Goodnight.
Dan called for an ambulance fearing I broke something. And off to the hospital I went. After getting x-rays and laying on a gurny for a couple hours I was released with an ace bandage and pair of crutches.
Fast forward a couple weeks and I still have considerable pain. Bonnie loaned me a decent brace but after a while I realized it was neither helping nor hindering me while I was home. I wear it when I go out but thats pretty much it.
Here's the thing. I am not a medical professional in any way, but I know that I did some pretty decent damage to my ankle, tore at least part of a ligiment on the inside of my ankle.
So why not follow up like the doctors advised me? Well despite the health care reform I still have no insurance and no money for either insurance or more simply put no money to have an MRI done to see what the next course of action would be.
Thankfully I was able to get charity care so we Woot be drowning in debt over my ER visit. But oddly enough this des not help my ankle feel better.
Oh well.
Goodnight.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Hi It's Me. Who am I?
So I decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to start taking some time for myself, one night a week I was just going to go out, see a movie or something, by myself, or if I didn't feel like being alone, I'd ask Dan or Missy to join me. Well I finally put those words into actions (I mean they do speak louder anyway.)
Tonight after dinner with Dan, Missy and the girls I headed out to go see a movie, Dear John to be exact. I love Nicholas Sparks, (it's based off of one of his books,) and decided that this was definitely a movie I wanted to see. I've never actually gone to see a movie by myself. I mean I've seen movies alone, but always went with someone to the theater. This was a nice change of pace. I got the soda I wanted, the popcorn was all mine and I made sure to bring a handful of napkins because I figured this movie would be somewhat of a tear-jerker. I was right. Although for those of you who have seen the movie I didn't cry at all the parts I expected to. I cried more over the young boy who has autism more then the romance between John and Savannah. Anyway. I really enjoyed the movie and loved my "night off" (as I'm now calling it).
But as I leisurely drove home, (for anyone who knows me you know I never drive leisurely, but it was my night off so I figured, whats the rush??) I began to think about my life and who I am, and unfortunately all I could come up with at this point is I am a wife to an amazing husband, the mother to a beautiful daughter, the aunt/nanny to an awesome niece and friend to so many great people. But do those titles really tell someone who I am? Why can't I define myself without having it relate to someone else??
Dan and I had discussed that eventually I would have to go back to work one day. I would like that day to be after Titania is starting in school. Why wait 4 years to go back to work?? Well part of it is that I want to be with my daughter as she grows up, I'm not opposed to daycare centers, I think they are awesome places but just the fact that I would pretty much be working to pay someone else to take care of my kid, shit, I can do it myself.
The other part is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
If you asked me to express to you where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, everything is a huge blur. Of course I see myself still married to the same amazing man, I can see Titania as a little girl exploring the world, needing less and less help from me. But I can't see me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I am.
I keep thinking that I should go back to school. Test the waters of what peeks my interest. But we really can't afford that. The time for that was 10 years ago when I graduated from high school and actually went to college.
I'm 28 years old right now and haven't got a clue.
People keep telling me I should do what I love. Unfortunately to those people, there isn't much by the way of jobs for someone who prefers to sit on the couch, playing Facebook games and watching TV. Although I enjoy looking after Titania and Emma, and will happily continue to do just that until I pretty much can't anymore, I never saw daycare as my dream job either.
There's really nothing that I love, that I'd love to do for a living.
Another problem that I have is that I don't want to just find a job. I want to have a career. For the 8 years before Titania blessed our lives with her presence, all I did was work temp jobs. The only permanent jobs I had were for supermarkets and although I seem to have a knack for scanning and bagging, I knew that just wasn't my future. I went to school for tech support, but the stress and my lack of ability to deal with it not only landed me in the hospital trying to literally bleed the stress from my body, but it also landed me with yet another job I just couldn't do for the rest of my life. My longest temp job was as a receptionist for SuperSeal. A window and door manufacturer in South Plainfield. I loved that job. I loved the people I worked for and with. And I had hoped that one day I could have been a permanent employee there and maybe even move up in the company. Unfortunately as the economy took a turn for the worse, people weren't building new houses as much, and my job was the most...let's say expendable. Looking to the future though I don't see myself being completely satisfied with a receptionist job, or even a secretarial job, (though my typing skills are incredible).
So, who am I? I am Anna Cmil, wife, mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, friend.
I guess that will have to do for now.
Okay my brain is empty. I'm going to bed.
Tonight after dinner with Dan, Missy and the girls I headed out to go see a movie, Dear John to be exact. I love Nicholas Sparks, (it's based off of one of his books,) and decided that this was definitely a movie I wanted to see. I've never actually gone to see a movie by myself. I mean I've seen movies alone, but always went with someone to the theater. This was a nice change of pace. I got the soda I wanted, the popcorn was all mine and I made sure to bring a handful of napkins because I figured this movie would be somewhat of a tear-jerker. I was right. Although for those of you who have seen the movie I didn't cry at all the parts I expected to. I cried more over the young boy who has autism more then the romance between John and Savannah. Anyway. I really enjoyed the movie and loved my "night off" (as I'm now calling it).
But as I leisurely drove home, (for anyone who knows me you know I never drive leisurely, but it was my night off so I figured, whats the rush??) I began to think about my life and who I am, and unfortunately all I could come up with at this point is I am a wife to an amazing husband, the mother to a beautiful daughter, the aunt/nanny to an awesome niece and friend to so many great people. But do those titles really tell someone who I am? Why can't I define myself without having it relate to someone else??
Dan and I had discussed that eventually I would have to go back to work one day. I would like that day to be after Titania is starting in school. Why wait 4 years to go back to work?? Well part of it is that I want to be with my daughter as she grows up, I'm not opposed to daycare centers, I think they are awesome places but just the fact that I would pretty much be working to pay someone else to take care of my kid, shit, I can do it myself.
The other part is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
If you asked me to express to you where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, everything is a huge blur. Of course I see myself still married to the same amazing man, I can see Titania as a little girl exploring the world, needing less and less help from me. But I can't see me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I am.
I keep thinking that I should go back to school. Test the waters of what peeks my interest. But we really can't afford that. The time for that was 10 years ago when I graduated from high school and actually went to college.
I'm 28 years old right now and haven't got a clue.
People keep telling me I should do what I love. Unfortunately to those people, there isn't much by the way of jobs for someone who prefers to sit on the couch, playing Facebook games and watching TV. Although I enjoy looking after Titania and Emma, and will happily continue to do just that until I pretty much can't anymore, I never saw daycare as my dream job either.
There's really nothing that I love, that I'd love to do for a living.
Another problem that I have is that I don't want to just find a job. I want to have a career. For the 8 years before Titania blessed our lives with her presence, all I did was work temp jobs. The only permanent jobs I had were for supermarkets and although I seem to have a knack for scanning and bagging, I knew that just wasn't my future. I went to school for tech support, but the stress and my lack of ability to deal with it not only landed me in the hospital trying to literally bleed the stress from my body, but it also landed me with yet another job I just couldn't do for the rest of my life. My longest temp job was as a receptionist for SuperSeal. A window and door manufacturer in South Plainfield. I loved that job. I loved the people I worked for and with. And I had hoped that one day I could have been a permanent employee there and maybe even move up in the company. Unfortunately as the economy took a turn for the worse, people weren't building new houses as much, and my job was the most...let's say expendable. Looking to the future though I don't see myself being completely satisfied with a receptionist job, or even a secretarial job, (though my typing skills are incredible).
So, who am I? I am Anna Cmil, wife, mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, friend.
I guess that will have to do for now.
Okay my brain is empty. I'm going to bed.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Long time no blog
(its late so I'll keep this short)
So it's been a while since I've posted here. My apologies for that.
So much has happened since my last update. Dan, Titania and I have moved into a house in Pennsylvania with Missy and Emma.
The move was very difficult and I definitely miss everything I knew but I'm glad that I'm out of NJ.
It's definitely harder. Because of the commute Dan and Missy leave before I wake up and they don't get home until after 7pm. I try and have dinner ready or as close to it as possible, but unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. But well life is life.
That's it for now. I'm going to bed. G'night everyone.
So it's been a while since I've posted here. My apologies for that.
So much has happened since my last update. Dan, Titania and I have moved into a house in Pennsylvania with Missy and Emma.
The move was very difficult and I definitely miss everything I knew but I'm glad that I'm out of NJ.
It's definitely harder. Because of the commute Dan and Missy leave before I wake up and they don't get home until after 7pm. I try and have dinner ready or as close to it as possible, but unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. But well life is life.
That's it for now. I'm going to bed. G'night everyone.
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